Up Yours, Johnnie

The Democrats' 2004 Presidential nominee reverts to type.

Let's flip around what John Kerry said to make it more accurate:

“You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you can still get elected to the U.S. Senate from Massachusetts.”

Enjoy the Ride

In case you haven't noticed from the links on the right, I am a fan of the country band Sugarland. They are coming out with a new album November 7 called "Enjoy the Ride." Right now on CMT, you can listen to the whole album. Check it out!

I am still trying to figure out which song(s) I like the best. The song "Want To" has been released and is one of the top ten country songs being played. Other songs appeal to me, such as "Settlin'," "Everyday America," and "Mean Girls."

In case the voice of the lead singer, Jennifer Nettles, sounds familiar, it's because she sang along with Bon Jovi in their recent hit "Who Says You Can't Go Home." Other Sugarland hits include "Baby Girl," "Something More," "Just Might (Make Me Believe)," and "Down in Mississippi (Up to No Good)." You can find the videos for these songs on CMT or at the Sugarland fan page.

No, CMT does not stand for "Count My Teeth!"

Coincidentally, Josh Groban (whose name you should also see on the right) is coming out with a new album on November 7 called "Awake." Now imagine combining the titles of the new Sugarland and Josh Groban albums: "Enjoy the Ride -- Awake!" :lol:

Harold Ford Crashes Maryland Senate Debate!

After the embarrassing incident in which Rep. Harold Ford Jr., the Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate, crashed his Republican opponent’s press conference, there now comes word that Ford’s bus has appeared in Charles County, Maryland. Apparently, Rep. Ben Cardin, the Democratic Senate candidate in Maryland, is so afraid of Republican Lt. Gov. Michael Steele, he has asked Ford to substitute for him at an NAACP-sponsored debate.

“I-I-I d-d-don’t have nerves for S-s-steele anymore!” cried an anguished Cardin. I n-n-need my b-b-b-buddy Harold there. B-b-besides, Michael may have that d-d-d-damned d-d-d-dog there again! Harold grew up a lot c-c-closer to Charles County than I did.”

A statement from the Steele campaign said in part, “Cardin is one dog who won’t hunt.” Ford, in response, accused Steele of “having too many bullets.”

Garden State Parkway, New Jersey Turnpike to Be Married

The New Jersey Supreme Court today ordered the Garden State Parkway and New Jersey Turnpike to be married within the next six months. According to the Court, the ceremony will be held at Exit 11 on the Turnpike, and Exit 129 on the Parkway. "The Authorities governing these roadways have been already merged, so we are just making it legal" said the Chief Justice. "“Anyway, these two roads have been tied in knots for several years."

While details of the impending nuptials are sketchy, it is believed that the ceremony will involve several VW Beetles bearing flowers, large barrels unearthed from a landfill in Jersey City, and large veils covering the tollbooths. Those who wish to give gifts may do so through EZ-Pass. However, due to laws and Constitutional amendments in several states, the taxpayers of these states will not be forced to use their EZ-Pass money to donate.

Single-lane road groups launched an immediate protest at the Vince Lombardi Rest Area. "Toms River should only be marrying Elizabeth!" shouted several angry protesters. However, the rally was cut short when former Governor James McGreevey was found in a restroom stall.

In response to the impending actions in New Jersey, the Pennsylvania Turnpike Authority has placed a large rubber barrier at the spot where the western Turnpike Extension reaches the Delaware River.

Madonna Blasted by Environmental Groups

Malawi Adoption Causes “Global Warming”

Several environmental groups today blasted pop singer Madonna for her adoption of a boy from Malawi. According to recent reports, such an adoption causes the increase in the “ecological footprint” of Great Britain (ranked #16 out of 141 countries), where Madonna lives. Malawi ranks 126 out of 141 on the same scale. The world would be better off leaving the child in squalor and disease exposure in a Third World country where he is less likely to cause increased emissions if greenhouse gases. “Maybe she would prefer to live an American Life” said a press release from Coalition Advocating Cancelling Adoptions by Celebrity Activists that Cause Childhood Affluence (CACACACCA), one of the associated environmentalist member groups.

The singer herself had no reaction, but a spokesperson implied that this is still a material world, and Madonna is a material girl. Some environmental groups reported threats of getting “something to remember.”

The Bush Administration got involved in this issue by proposing a compromise based on emissions trading. Every time a celebrity adopts a child from a poor country, the United States would deport a member of the Kennedy or Gore families in response. “You'll get rid of so much hot air that there will be a foot of snow in Crawford – in July!” said President Bush with a wink.

Wal-Mart Update

Here's the update on the Wal-Mart conference (original post here):

They had this "Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb" (CFL) conference on October 5, 2006 in Las Vegas (of all places!). Apparently, Wal-Mart was the one who held the conference because they want to sell at least 100 million of these CFLs next year. So they brought together government, industry, academics, and environmental groupies. Part of this effort is to see how they can promote recycling of these lightbulbs (e.g., let you return them to the store or provide you with an envelope to mail them in). What was interesting, and I presume related to Gore's book, was a breakout session concerning "use of CFLs as a gateway to consumer consciousness on other environmental issues." Why, are they looking for ways to get people screwed?

OK, fill in your lightbulb joke here . . .

"Searchlight for Your Settlement"

"Outstanding Favors. Outstanding Results."

Wal-Mart Kisses Up to Greens

Here's something interesting that a source sent me:

A conference on compact fluorescent lightbulbs (CFLs) was held recently. Lawrence Bender, the producer of Al Gore's global warming film, "An Inconvenient Truth," must have spoken there (or at least had access to the attendee list), because he sent them the following message:

Thank you again for your generous support during the theatrical release of An Inconvenient Truth. As you are well aware, An Inconvenient Truth struck a chord with teachers and students. It not only raised awareness of the existence and effects of global warming, but it ignited a desire to learn more about Environmental Science in the classroom setting. I am writing to you to help us continue to share the truth.

The DVD will be released on November 21 with a free downloadable educational curriculum guide that may be used by both educators and students in conjunction with the screening of the film. Mr. Gore has also supplied a scientific update on the DVD along with some other exciting extra features.

Our goal is to give a privately sponsored or subsidized DVD of "An Inconvenient Truth" to every teacher, student, educator or non-profit/social organization who does not have the funds to directly purchase a copy. In addition to the 250,000 DVDs needed to cover public educational institutions, we are fielding requests for the DVD from a wide spectrum of groups such as shelters, senior centers, boys and girls clubs, and even correctional facilities. To meet the demand, we are appealing to you to adopt local school or join our national drive to donate the DVD to the teachers, students and libraries.

Many companies are purchasing the DVD for their employees, vendors and customers as holiday gifts. The cost of an individual DVD donation is $21, which includes shipping and sales tax. Donations of DVDs are tax deductible through our partnership with The Environmental Media Association, a registered non-profit organization. We will include a letter of acknowledgment with each DVD and have the facility to customize special notices, cards, coupons, or other relevant materials in each packet.

The message goes on to give contact information for the "Environmental Media Association." Unfortunately, I was not able to find out from my source if any Federal funding was involved.

The funny thing is that the message was distributed via a representative from Wal-Mart. It was sent to a lot of people in that company, as well as to representatives of various non-profits, environmental groups, academics, government agencies, and light bulb manufacturers. So is Wal-Mart going to help distribute Al Gore's propaganda to the school (and get a neat tax deduction)? Will it get them in the good graces of various left-wing organizations?

I have to wonder what "exciting extra feature" could possibly come out of a movie featuring Al Gore! Maybe light bulb jokes?

Pennsylvania Democrats Seek Senate Candidate

Pennsylvania Democrats were thrown in a tizzy this morning by the dismal debate performance of a candidate they presumed to be “Bob Casey, Jr.” In fact, it now turns out the candidate is an empty suit, and the Democrats have only just figured it out.

According to Pennsylvania law, it is too late to replace the candidate on the ballot. However, the Keystone State’s Democratic Party claims to have plans for just such an occasion. “We will tell voters that a vote for Bob Casey Jr. is really a vote for Bob Casey Sr.,” a Democratic operative said, referring to the late Governor. “Even though he is dead, it won’t bother the thousands of dead voters in Philadelphia we rely on in order to achieve any margin off victory. For once, one of them can actually get elected.”

The operative replied to reported skepticism on the part of the Governor by saying, “Look, Fast Eddie, if it worked for Mel Carnahan and the Missouri Democrats six years ago, why can’t it work for us?”

It's 1967, Again

Ron appears to have difficulty in following conversations and thus answering questions.

So says the neatly written note from Shadyside Elementary, Prince George's County, Maryland. This was written in 1967 by my kindergarten teacher (who shall remain nameless). Well, they did promote me to first grade, anyway.

Why do I bring this up? Prodigal Son #1 (PS1), who is about to turn six, just started kindergarten. He was slow to learn talking, but then again, so was I. He is a bright kid with a great, if silly, sense of humor.

Last week my wife was called in by PS1's teacher for a conference. So what does she hear? PS1 doesn't follow directions well. He drew six apples instead of five on an assignment. He sat daydreaming instead of joining the other kids in circle time.

He drew a face and put the eyes way down. What's the matter? Don't they like Picasso? Even better, they asked the kids to draw a person. PS1 did so, the usual childish stick figure. Ah, but his was somewhat, er, "anatomically correct." I guess he's a literal kid, but his teacher was not amused!

What can I say? He's a loner, a smart kid who doesn't always want to show it. He's pretty well behaved; we can probably take him to the symphony! My wife is already somewhat disillusioned with public school teachers, and it's been only a month or so.

For me, I feel like some of my childhood is playing out in front of me in slow motion again. I feel a strange sense of understanding mixed with fear. Then again, I turned out OK, and so will he.

We are all our parents' children, aren't we?

North Korean Nuke Test Explained!

Diplomats all over the world have been fretting about what appeared at first to be an underground nuclear test by North Korea. The explosion was estimated to be the equivalent of 500 to even 5000 tons of TNT.

New research has explained the real cause of this tremor, however. It turns out that something went awry in a counterfeiting and drug smuggling operation. Several sheets of bubble wrap were “popped” after workers heard rumors of insects being lodged in the large rolls. To an average North Korean slave laborer, ten insects represent double the normal intake of protein in the diet.

A spokesperson for the North Korean Foreign Ministry denied the bubble wrap reports, calling them “so much hot air.” The Ministry added that a rockslide in a remote part of North Korea was attributable to an ancient site revered as the “Dear Leader’s Flatulent Mountain.”

Toehold into the World of Blogging

Hello World!

This is my first post as a blogger. So remember to mark October 11 on your calendars as my blogiversary. (It's also my birthday.) You may be quizzed on this next year. LOL

I would like to thank Zelda at theurbangrindblog.com for being my inspiration. When I figure things out, I'll even create a link for her!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.