Republican Presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump today announced that he has bought the naming rights for new elements on the periodic chart that were recently verified by the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC). It is believed that he wants to name Elements 117 and 118 “Ivankium” and “TheDonaldum,” respectively. The IUPAC agreed quickly to Mr. Trump’s purchase request given “an offer we could not refuse.” From a technical standpoint, the naming makes sense as the short half-lives of these elements (fraction of a second) are indicative of the attention span of Mr. Trump’s supporters when confronted with his recent left-leaning political views. In addition, like Mr. Trump the elements are unstable and radioactive.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has also sought to have an element named after him (putinium). According to Mr. Trump, “Yeah, I’m OK with that, but I get the ones with the higher numbers. This shows what a great negotiator I am. Mr. Putin may have something big, but I get something YUGE!”