Chinese Recall Fortune Cookies

Possible Toxic Message

Chinese authorities, already stung by the recall of lunch bags, are now being forced to recall certain fortune cookies. According to sources, the cookies contain lead on the print used in the paper fortune that is folded into the cookie. The Chinese themselves claim that the lead is only used on fortunes in which the Chinese word for “lead” (when it means the metal and pronounced LED, not when it is pronounced LEED) is defined for the customer and nowhere else. However, Greenpeace charges that the paper itself also “contains dioxins.”

Federal authorities are investigating other potential contaminated cookie batches. One unnamed source said cookies that had “lucky” numbers in the unordered sequence “12-5-1-4” had lead contamination. No actual contaminated cookie dough has yet been found, but more data have yet to be “crunched.”

Human rights activists suspect a more sinister motive in the sudden Chinese authority cooperation. It is suspected that Communist authorities are using the incident to crack down on dissidents. Rumors have been circulating on Chinese human rights activist websites that, in fact, the Chinese government uses prison laborers in unsafe conditions to make many of the cookies, and some of the “fortunes” were really coded messages being spirited out to reveal the names of those “being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.”

Political repercussions are appearing in American politics as well. Some are accusing Democratic hopeful Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) of accepting large contributions from American-based relatives of the Chinese Fortune Cookie Proletariat, many of whom barely speak English and work in low-paying bakery operations in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Connections to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) are also being investigated. One FBI official who asked not to be identified speculated that “you never know whose fingerprints you may find when you ‘dust’ these places. These investigations are not going to ‘fold’ quickly.” Left-wing blog supporters of Hillary are denying any past consumption of the fortune cookies, saying instead that they have always preferred “fresh Twinkies.”

Ironically, Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) was also disappointed with the fortune cookie recall. “I’ve been eating this brand of cookies for four year, and I’ve always found them to be mentally stimulating,” said the Democratic hopeful. “Besides, those fortunes were great sources for a lot of my campaign speeches.” Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE) cautioned Obama on making such a statement, citing his own bitter experience with plagiarism. “He who copy fortune cookie finds campaign crumbled,” Biden allegedly said.