Fearless Predictions for “24”

Inspired by IMAO

At the end of last year’s season, Jack Bauer was on a slow boat to China. Well, Jack manages to escape, jump off the ship and winds up lost. In fact, he is so lost, he winds up on “Lost,” on a totally different network!

Meanwhile, Jack the doctor is brought in to treat Jack Bauer. Jack the doc uses Bauer’s knowledge (while Bauer is delirious) to get off the island and get to CTU. The people at CTU are curious about the appearance of the new Jack, but they are told that being lost at sea gave Jack a good tan.

Doctor Jack is in a precarious position. He wants his friends rescued, but doesn’t want Jack Bauer to come back and reclaim this seemingly fun job. Besides, doctor Jack finally has a better choice of women, some of whom do not have a criminal record (and at CTU, Jack can look it up).

Meanwhile, back at the island, Jack tries to infiltrate the “Others.” During that time, the island is visited by strange men in yellow feather suits, a big orange furry blob, and a kindly old man in a cardigan sweater. Almost too late, Jack Bauer (with help from John Locke and the formerly-TV-addicted Hurley) realizes that these are Big Bird, Elmo, and Mr. Rogers! The whole crew on the island is about to be taken from their current purgatory to eternal damnation on Public Television. Jack goes into a state of confusion with so many changes of network. He then has to stop the Korean guy from defecting to the PBS crew since the opportunity to learn English is a powerful draw. He vies with Sawyer for Kate’s affections.

Meanwhile, back at CTU, one of the new programmers is able to backtrack doctor Jack’s journey and put it together with the story of the still missing aircraft from “Lost.” The White House gets involved because the Federal Communications Commission can’t resolve the conflict between two major networks. As it turns out, the Chinese Communists may be involved with PBS, thus making the lives of the two Jacks finally intersect again.

In Federal prison, President Logan rubs his hands gleefully. Revenge is going to be sweet, he is thinking . . .