A Politically Correct Hanukkah

Hat Tip: ACLU Nativity Scene

After the death of Alexander the Great, the Middle East was ruled by the Seleucids, and in particular the enlightened ruler Antiochus IV. Although Antiochus tried to introduce multiculturism to the indigenous population, a bunch of religious radicals under the “Maccabee” (Zionist) family armed themselves with dangerous weapons and set about making a pointless war. While Antiochus tried to introduce diversity measures to allow locals to pick their own spiritual fulfillment, the Zionist Maccabees were quite stiff necked and refuse the smallest attempts at compromise.

Oddly enough, the Antiochus Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) started to support these Maccabees, but they stopped when they found out the Maccabee leader, one Mattathias, did not engage in pedophilic behavior with his son Judah. The Maccabees even refused to allow Native American peace pipes on the flimsy grounds that America would not be discovered for another 1,600 years.

After a series of militaristic actions, the Maccabees took over their “Temple” and their true purpose was revealed: They were in search of refined oil. Their claims of shortages were proven hypocritical when, even though they sent a Halliburton exploration team in search of even more profits, the amount they had lasted longer than they thought.

Fortunately, members of an environmental group (“Shalom Yaroq,” or “Peace Green”) had infiltrated the Maccabee organization and managed to encourage energy conservation. They also recorded the Superfund site that the Temple had become and tried to hold the Zionists jointly and severally liable because of environmental justice concerns. Unfortunately, there were right-wing judges that sided with the polluters, and the few Shalom Yaroq activists were brutally massacred by a Maccabee bulldozer.

Today, we celebrate a spiritual Hanukkah in a variety of ways. First of all, we let young people build self-esteem by allowing them to spell the name of the holiday however they see fit, whether it is “Hanukkah,” “Chanukah,” “Christmas,” or “Kwanzaa.” Enlightened teachers use a six-sided top rather than the four-sided dreidel favored by Jewish neocons. On the top, instead of Hebrew letters, there are pictures of Antiochus IV, Confucius, Quetzalcoatl, Leon Trotsky, Nelson Mandela, and Rachel Corrie. The foods are much more nutritious as well. Those fattening jelly doughnuts and fried potato pancakes symbolize a bloodthirsty lust for oil. Nowadays, we have oat-bran muffins or peeled organically-grown potatoes roasted over animal dung and smothered in a special festive tahini-salsa mixture. We do not use the menorah as the “shamash” candle symbolizes inequality. Rather, we burn incense and sing “Koombayah” while eating “magic” muffins.