Sea-Tac Airport Christmas Tree Issues Resolved

Officials at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport have resolved issues related to the removal of nine Christmas trees instead of the addition of a menorah as a rabbi had requested. Under the new compromise plan, a giant Hanukkah menorah will be erected with each of the nine Christmas trees fitted to each branch of the candelabra. The tallest of the trees will be designated the "shamash."

The Sea-Tac Airport Authority realizes that other religious and spiritual groups will want recognition as well. As a result, it has issued the following decrees:

1. Native groups will be able to carve "totem pole" symbols on the menorah and the trees.
2. Environmentalists can perform interpretive dance while dressed in "Garbage Gremlin" outfits.
3. All religious clergy will be required to dress in "grunge" outfits.
4. All worshippers, regardless of denomination, will bow down to the "Starbucks Mermaid."
5. Washington State wines will be available for purchase.
6. Guides will be made available to confused travelers from California to inform them that no, they did not fly into San Francisco by accident.
7. A representative of CAIR will be on hand to throw rocks and burn everything down starting on December 24 and pour the wine down the bathroom sink.