Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Castro to Become Democratic Convention Delegate

Resigns Cuban Presidency for “More Rewarding Job”

Cuban President Fidel Castro resigned from the Cuban Presidency after close to 49 years in order to become a “super” delegate to the Democratic National Convention. According to sources, Castro has reached an agreement with the Democratic National Committee to become “El Jefe” of a Cuban delegation that will replace the disqualified Florida one.

“We can have a primary, no trouble” said a spokesman for the ailing Cuban leader. “Any number of delegates you want, we bring.”

The move is widely seen as a big boost to Senator Hillary Clinton’s lagging campaign. “This primary is certainly full of tough decisions,” said Castro through written statement. “The Clinton health care plan is certainly more restrictive than what I would like. However, her views on government and civil liberties are very close to my own. Besides, Barack Obama is just too left wing for me.”

It is believed that former President Bill Clinton is also excited by Castro’s arrival to the convention. “I’ve always wanted to try some Cuban sugar,” said the former President. “Maybe Castro will bring some real Cuban cigars with him. I can show everyone all the great things we can do with them. Maybe one of the young women in his delegation would want to intern for me?”

Governors along several East Coast States are competing to give Fidel Castro a driver’s license. While New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley were thought to have the best chance, it appears that New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine will win out. Corzine had made a secret promise to name a rest stop along the Garden State Parkway after Castro.

Also an issue is whether or not Castro is really alive. “Nothing in the Democratic National Committee rules prevent the deceased from casting votes at the convention,” said top Clinton aide Howard Wolfson. Pennsylvania Governor “Fast Eddie” Rendell added, “Dead or not, we expect Castro to be able to cast votes in Philadelphia like so many other necro-Americans like him do. Castro should know that he does have a friend in Pennsylvania!”