Sarkozy to Dump Metric System!

Real Purpose of New Hampshire Vacation Revealed

French President Nicolas Sarkozy, ostensibly "relaxing" in New Hampshire, has been using the vacation as a way to dump the use of the Metric System in France. President Sarkozy noted that even though the Metric system was invented in France, it is obviously inferior to the English system used in the United States. “We know this is true because the United States has a far more productive economy than ours, and we believe the Système Internationale is the root cause of our troubles,” said M. Sarkozy. He continued: “An economy that is dividing by ten is not very innovative. It makes sense that Louis XVI was guillotined because of this. From now on, France will work with douzaines!”

In what is believed to be related to this decision, an altercation arose on a lake between President Sarkozy and some news photographers. Anonymous sources tell us that the photographers were taunting Sarkozy by yelling “35 millimeters! 35 millimeters!” Fortunately, this incident was broken up quickly.

Reaction was mixed in the United States. Many Republicans supported Sarkozy’s move, and most Democrats refused to comment due to mathematical impairment. However, one of the party organizations, the Democratic Liter-ship Council, strongly condemned the move. “This could ruin soccer for the foreseeable future!” said a representative.

The measurement issue has also entered the immigrations debate. For a few years now, economists have theorized the poor people from Central America were coming to the United States not just for economic opportunity, but also to flee the metric system still in use in the less-than-developed countries. However, certain advocacy groups, such as Metric-anos Sin Fronteras, advocate bilingual education “that teaches both sides of the ruler” rather than “English first.” Lack of education in the English system is believed one of the underreported causes of overcrowded houses and disproportionate rates of highway accidents.

In the international arena, France’s move is believed to have led to some serious study. The U.N. is forming the United Nations English System Changeover Organization (UNESCO) to study the issue further. It is hoped that widespread use of the English System to replace metric will lead to increased rates of development in Third World countries. Nicolas Sarkozy is believed to have said, “This system is so easy, even John Kerry can use it!”