Saturday, December 30, 2006

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish

Burn in hell, Saddam!

Speaking of which, here is a stupid joke for you all --

What did Saddam read before he was hanged?

The NOOSEpaper!


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

UN Condemns Ethiopia

The United Nations today overwhelmingly condemned Ethiopia for its “aggressive actions” against Somalia’s Islamist occupiers. According to a Security Council Statement, “Ethiopia acted without the permission of the Security Council and didn’t even consult France. They are also being victorious without permission” The United States voted against the resolution, prompting several Senate Democrats to denounce outgoing Ambassador John Bolton for “trying to stick his mustache into the nose of Africa.”

Reaction was swift from Iran and the Arab League. According to a spokesman, Yasir al-Goatfuqr, “Ethiopia is in a conspiracy with the Zionists to deny the basic rights to Moslems. Look at how all these Jews came from Ethiopia. They are one and the same.”

Various American antiwar groups were not as enthusiastic to protest at this point. “Well, for one thing, these Ethiopians don’t look Jewish,” said Oregon protest leader Daryl Oshitnik. “Besides, I gotta go see ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ for the 25th time. Don’t tell my Mom, though. She thinks I am applying for a job at Wendys. As IF!!!”

Friday, December 22, 2006

Rosie and The Donald Have Crushes on Each Other!

Hat tips: Hot Air and Ace of Spades

Child psychologists who are studying the recent flap between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump now theorize that both celebrities are exhibiting “delayed onset of childhood crush syndrome.”

“Rosie O’Donnell’s remarks to Donald Trump just show all of us how a hairpiece never goes grey,” said noted psychiatrist Val Ritalin. “Similarly, The Donald did not get all ‘wigged out’ at Rosie’s comments. Referring to someone as unpleasant, unattractive, and overweight (not to mention threats of litigation) really means that deep down, Trump is hoping to marry O’Donnell some day. I’m willing to bet that we will see a large rose adorning the Trump Towers in the near future.”

A spokesperson for Trump pointed out that, in another ten years when he is ready for a fourth wife, Rosie O’Donnell would be “far different from anyone he has been with before. They would complement each other in ways never before anticipated.”

No official comment was available from Rosie O’Donnell, but an anonymous source at “The View” said that “Rosie could put quite a crush on The Donald, that’s for sure.”

A June 2018 wedding is planned.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

White People!

Now that I’ve gotten your attention . . . ;)

Hat tip: Phi Beta Cons

On April 18-21, 2007, the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs is hosting a White Privilege Conference. The conference is described as “a yearly opportunity to examine and explore difficult issues related to white privilege, white supremacy and oppression. WPC provides a forum for critical discussions about diversity, multicultural education and leadership, social justice, race/racism, sexual orientation, gender relations, religion and other systems of privilege/oppression. WPC is recognized as a challenging, empowering and educational experience. The workshops, keynotes and institutes not only inform participants, but engage and challenge them, while providing practical tips and strategies for combating inequality.”

I gotta tell you, I shake my head at this stuff. First of all, what does whiteness have to do with topics such as sexual orientation or the oppression of gays? Second of all, do these guys realize just how silly this sounds? Imagine, this is the eighth such conference, according to the web site. They don’t list this year’s sponsors yet, but wouldn’t we all like to know what the source of the money is? (My guess: Direct or indirect government funding as well as forced union dues.)

This reminds me of an incident at a government agency back in 2000 (ironically, just when the first “White Privilege Conference” might have taken place). This particular agency decided to pay some diversity consultants to put on a course called “White Folks and Diversity.” Yeah, you read that right. Here is the description:

“White folks often want to participate equally with people of color in creating a multicultural work environment, yet are unsure of their place in it. To participate equally, whites need an awareness of white culture with its strengths and weaknesses, as a component of a multicultural workplace. It is also necessary for whites to learn how to be better allies with people of color in creating positive change. These sessions will raise white awareness and improve allyship [sic] of participants in an interactive and engaging way. Topics which will be covered include:

“The value if white awareness in the workplace and the values of white culture.

“How to be allies and equal partners with people of color in the creation of a multicultural community.”

The announcement of this particular course somehow found its way into the Washington Times’ “Inside the Beltway” column. In response, embarassed officials at the agency in question changed the name of the course to “Whites and Diversity.” Remember who was President in 2000?

What is also interesting is that the “facilitators” for this course also happened to be graduates of the University of Colorado (Boulder). Small world, isn’t it?

By the way, they are looking for someone to sponsor a Shabbat dinner.

Now you have completed your diversity training requirement for the year! :)

“Flabby, Inefficient, Outdated”

This is a title of an op-ed piece by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg in today’s Wall Street Journal. (As of this writing, it is not a free link.) Now I don’t necessarily agree with Mayor Bloomberg on a lot of things, but when it comes to education, he seems to understand just how dysfunctional public school systems have become.

Here is the first paragraph:

“Today a bipartisan commission of high-profile academic, government, business and labor leaders selected by the National Center on Education and the Economy (NCEE) will release a report that provides a sobering assessment of our nation’s education system: Only 18 out of 100 high-school freshmen will graduate on time, enroll directly in college and earn a two-year degree in three years or a four-year degree in six. Just 18! [Emphasis added.]

(Note: I realize that some kids enter the military right after high school, and they may be included in the 72% who don’t get college degrees within ten years of completing high school. No disrespect intended towards members of any uniformed service.)

I was thinking about this today. Let’s look at another sobering issue concerning the youth of today: How many will grow up in a stable, two-parent family from birth to age 18? Given that close to one out of three children are born out of wedlock and that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, my guess is that the answer to my question is less than 50%. If you have an accurate number, please let me know. (Yes, I understand that some kids are orphaned, too.)

Let’s say the answer to this question is 40 out of 100. Now, I am guessing that out of that number, more than 18% meet the criteria of graduating from high school on time and earning an associate’s degree within seven years of entering high school or a bachelor’s degree within ten years. Conversely, I am guessing that of those high school freshmen who graduate on time and complete college education and earn those college degrees within seven or ten years, more than 40% come from stable, two-parent families.

I wonder if there are any statistics correlating stable marriages and education.

While I was preparing to type this blog entry I had this evil thought: Someone will write a dystopian novel in which good students are “outsourced.” That is, schools will become so desperate to enroll good students that they will import them from overseas (e.g., India or China) rather than enroll domestically-born kids. Maybe poorly-behaved kids will get “deported” to other countries as a form of banishment.

Maybe I think too much! ;)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Sea-Tac Airport Christmas Tree Issues Resolved

Officials at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport have resolved issues related to the removal of nine Christmas trees instead of the addition of a menorah as a rabbi had requested. Under the new compromise plan, a giant Hanukkah menorah will be erected with each of the nine Christmas trees fitted to each branch of the candelabra. The tallest of the trees will be designated the "shamash."

The Sea-Tac Airport Authority realizes that other religious and spiritual groups will want recognition as well. As a result, it has issued the following decrees:

  1. Native groups will be able to carve "totem pole" symbols on the menorah and the trees.
  2. Environmentalists can perform interpretive dance while dressed in "Garbage Gremlin" outfits.
  3. All religious clergy will be required to dress in "grunge" outfits.
  4. All worshippers, regardless of denomination, will bow down to the "Starbucks Mermaid."
  5. Washington State wines will be available for purchase.
  6. Guides will be made available to confused travelers from California to inform them that no, they did not fly into San Francisco by accident.
  7. A representative of CAIR will be on hand to throw rocks and burn everything down starting on December 24 and pour the wine down the bathroom sink.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Politically Correct Hanukkah

Hat Tip: ACLU Nativity Scene

After the death of Alexander the Great, the Middle East was ruled by the Seleucids, and in particular the enlightened ruler Antiochus IV. Although Antiochus tried to introduce multiculturism to the indigenous population, a bunch of religious radicals under the “Maccabee” (Zionist) family armed themselves with dangerous weapons and set about making a pointless war. While Antiochus tried to introduce diversity measures to allow locals to pick their own spiritual fulfillment, the Zionist Maccabees were quite stiff necked and refuse the smallest attempts at compromise.

Oddly enough, the Antiochus Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) started to support these Maccabees, but they stopped when they found out the Maccabee leader, one Mattathias, did not engage in pedophilic behavior with his son Judah. The Maccabees even refused to allow Native American peace pipes on the flimsy grounds that America would not be discovered for another 1,600 years.

After a series of militaristic actions, the Maccabees took over their “Temple” and their true purpose was revealed: They were in search of refined oil. Their claims of shortages were proven hypocritical when, even though they sent a Halliburton exploration team in search of even more profits, the amount they had lasted longer than they thought.

Fortunately, members of an environmental group (“Shalom Yaroq,” or “Peace Green”) had infiltrated the Maccabee organization and managed to encourage energy conservation. They also recorded the Superfund site that the Temple had become and tried to hold the Zionists jointly and severally liable because of environmental justice concerns. Unfortunately, there were right-wing judges that sided with the polluters, and the few Shalom Yaroq activists were brutally massacred by a Maccabee bulldozer.

Today, we celebrate a spiritual Hanukkah in a variety of ways. First of all, we let young people build self-esteem by allowing them to spell the name of the holiday however they see fit, whether it is “Hanukkah,” “Chanukah,” “Christmas,” or “Kwanzaa.” Enlightened teachers use a six-sided top rather than the four-sided dreidel favored by Jewish neocons. On the top, instead of Hebrew letters, there are pictures of Antiochus IV, Confucius, Quetzalcoatl, Leon Trotsky, Nelson Mandela, and Rachel Corrie. The foods are much more nutritious as well. Those fattening jelly doughnuts and fried potato pancakes symbolize a bloodthirsty lust for oil. Nowadays, we have oat-bran muffins or peeled organically-grown potatoes roasted over animal dung and smothered in a special festive tahini-salsa mixture. We do not use the menorah as the “shamash” candle symbolizes inequality. Rather, we burn incense and sing “Koombayah” while eating “magic” muffins.