Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Democrats Claim McDonnell “Poisoned” Biden

“Simplest Explanation” for String of Gaffes

The Obama campaign, in a desperate attempt to defend Vice President Joe Biden, lashed out at Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and accused the Governor of “poisoning the Vice President.”  Deputy Campaign Manager Stephanie Cutter added that “no one can make that many stupid remarks unless they were under the influence of drugs or someone slipped in a toxic substance.  Given that this statement was made in Blacksburg, Virginia, and the comments on chains and about “winning in North Carolina” also occurred in Virginia, our campaign is starting to suspect foul play.”

Governor McDonnell’s office shot back at the Obama campaign.  “Joe Biden’s string of embarrassing remarks are the result of drinking his own Kool-Aid for too many years.  He should have stuck to donuts.”

Cross posted at Virginia Virtucon.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Biden Explains Chains Remark

“Trying to Regain Porn Star Vote”

Vice President Joe Biden today accused Republicans wanting to “put y’all back in chains.”  A spokesperson for the Obama campaign later admitted that the Vice President had become deeply concerned ever since porn star Jenna Jameson declared her support for Republican candidate Mitt Romney that more of the Democrats’ natural constituency might abandon them.  “It’s bad enough that people in industrial unions, suburban moms, and other previous supporters are not likely to support the President,” said the spokesperson.  “But when we lose even the aging porn stars we know that we have a big challenge ahead.  Who knows how many are attracted by Paul Ryan’s buff figure?”

The Administration has gone into overtime mode trying to meet this new challenge.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton along with Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano proposed the most aggressive strategy, code named “Whips and Spurs.”  Clinton said that this kind of imagery will help woo back adult film actors to be alongside of their more “legitimate” Hollywood colleagues.  “There’s very little difference among all these actors,” said Clinton.  “I think that we can help them see how much they have in common.  I might add that ‘whips and spurs’ help keep Bill in line, and Huma tells me that they have helped to control Tony, also.”  It is believed that the Obama campaign will solicit the service of left-wing bloggers to test the strategy, starting in Northern Virginia.

Reaction from the Romney camp was terse.  “Mr. President, get your campaign out of the dungeon,” said the former Massachusetts Governor.  “Your failures are clearly ‘torturing’ you!”