Sunday, November 02, 2008

Shock: Important Democratic Constituency Seen Slipping away in the 11th District

Gerry Connolly Makes Desperate Attempt to Win Dead Voters

Hat tip: Too Conservative

Fairfax Board of Supervisors Chairman and candidate for Congress in Virginia’s 11th District Gerry Connolly (D) was caught doing some late “trick or treating” at the funeral for police Lieutenant Frank Stecco on Saturday, November 1, 2008. While Stecco’s family was receiving the love and support of friends and family, Connolly decided to be the “rotting pumpkin” at the door.

“Dead people are an important source of votes for the Democratic Party,” said an unnamed analyst. “However, with the investigations of ACORN as well as the rise in John McCain’s poll numbers, Connolly cannot afford to take anything for granted anymore.” It is also believed that the Connolly campaign has become paranoid over rival Keith Fimian’s (R) home inspection business, with the Connolly campaign holding the irrational belief that Fimian has the resources to find skeletons in all kinds of closets.

It is not known what kind of success Connolly had at the funeral. “Generally, Gerry talks about property taxes in a way that could wake the dead,” said a campaign source. Once that is accomplished, Gerry makes his pitch by threatening to raise takes on the cemetery plot. He has been known to bully quite a few of the deceased this way, though he wanders off to discussing rail to Hades in order to avoid delays at the River Styx, and in doing so can even kill off quite a few of the living voters.”

The Fimian campaign avoided comment out of respect for the deceased, though a spokesman did remind the public about a famous quote from Mark Twain. In his essay “At a Funeral,” Twain concluded with the words, “Do not bring your dog.” According to the Fimian campaign spokesman, “Clearly, the Democrats have forgotten an important lesson out of American literature.”